The Freedom Trap: Free At Last - More Confused Than Ever?

I dedicate this journey to the many women I have come across in my life. I found friends that I wanted to coach - and they taught me more about life than I could have ever imagined. 

The Meet-Cute

It was 3pm in Hanoi, Vietnam. I had managed to pull away from the group of awkward but sweet German boys who had decided biking across the country for a couple of days was somehow a necessary test of masculinity. Having walked rings around Hanoi with my laptop, passport and gadgets in tow, I came across a Banh Mi restaurant. 

Expats crowded the cosy shop, filling the indoor window seats and the alfresco tables outside. As soon as I made the regrettable choice to sit on one of the high stools inside (which should be banned for making me feel like a child), I realised - with urgency - that I needed the bathroom.

In my panic I was not sure what to do with my items - and what if someone took my seat! That is when I spotted her hands - manicured dusty pink nails with a black floral pattern on it. Is it odd that at that moment, I felt I could trust whoever these hands belonged to? 

Cue Rina Banh Mi (as saved on WhatsApp). A Chinese-American, with waist length black hair, a warm smile,  and sparkly eyes, who readily said yes to my request to hold my life, while I ran to the bathroom. 

I know what you’re thinking - just how great were her nails? No? Or is it, is this how the story ends and how you got stranded in Vietnam? 

To answer your question - the nails were great - and she didn’t run away. Once I returned to my seat, it was a blur of egg coffee and egg beer at a famous café, to sudden rain, speakeasies that weren’t easy to get into - at all, meeting her friend, and three people squeezed on a bike determined to climb stairs to a fish restaurant.

Since that time, I have met Rina twice more - once in Bangkok and then later in Bali for my 29th birthday. Today, I am just as amazed by her stories as I am now by the ones we now share.

As two women seeking a way to live life on our own terms, Rina is an inspiration and a case study for me. After a long period of self-discovery, she now travels the US in her campervan, fully embracing the digital nomad lifestyle. Legend. But then, all the women I have met are. 

So why share this story you ask?

Besides making us feel a little more jealous than we would like. 

No, this is not another eat, pray, love article - I’m not trying to convince you to disappear to Italy, India and fall in love with a Brazilian man who gives questionable ‘dad’ vibes. But you can, even the dad part. 

What I am telling you, first of all, that it is okay that you haven’t figured it out - but you want to - that you left the questions of “why aren’t you married yet” or “are you here here now?”, but still want to answer them, just in your own time. 

Society conditions millennials - especially millennial women - to be “overachievers”. Without the physical cues of “I’m off, see you tomorrow”, or someone actually turning the lights off, your brain defaults to its conditioning: If I am not working, I am falling behind. 

And, this part is especially for you - all of you who found a way out of the British weather (...not this week’s one) - our millennial digital nomads. The generation that remembers the dial-up internet yet somehow built careers, relationships and entire identities online. 

For us, there’s an added layer of guilt. Yes, we are happy. We should be over the moon because we are working from a rooftop in Bangkok or a café in Bali. Yet we often overcompensate by working harder to ‘prove’, not only to ourselves -but perhaps even to others -  that we deserve this lifestyle. 

That we didn’t make a mistake. That while our friends get married, buy houses, have children and move ‘forward’ - that our choices are also important and just as worthy. 

Along with being conditioned as overachievers - we have also been taught that if we haven’t achieved milestones by a certain point, we have failed. Somehow, freedom is still treated as a temporary stepping stone back to “reality”.

Here’s where I can come in

Excuse me. You already knew all of that. Nothing I have said is revolutionary. You don’t need another person telling you to ‘take up space’, ‘use your voice’, or ‘take your seat at the table’.

Those are great lines - but instead of just saying them, how do we actually live them?

Yes, you can take a seat at the table - but which table? And how do we get to the table? And for goodness sake, does the table come with a high chair, because if it does, I’m out. 

Listen, you probably spent years dreaming of this life of freedom. And because you are who you are - you probably have your calendars organised and your spreadsheets laid out, and you’ve swiped all who could be swiped. Yet this ideal life that you are trying to build starts to make you feel overwhelmed. Freedom becomes a giant blank canvas, and as a perfectionist choosing where or how to begin feels terrifying. 

It’s okay. 

If you need a reminder - or if this is the first time hearing it - you haven’t failed, going back home does not mean it’s a dead end, you can start over. 

And you can start over with me. 

We are in the day and age where boundaries are important (who knew?!). Perhaps you would like to ask your friends for help - and they will absolutely be there for you with cocktails, crying and five minute voice notes included - but sometimes the support you need extends beyond that - beyond time zones and friendships. 

That’s where I come in. Yes I can cry with you too, but more than that my whole goal is to help achieve yours. 

Whether you have lost direction, or are trying to begin but don’t know how to start, from business, to relationships, to habits and yes, even boundaries - think of me as your slightly cheesy sherpa - someone to guide you along the way and give you the tools to get to your version of success. Your Thelma to Louise.

Welcome to Life Catalyst Coaching.